deep pondering

I won't say who, incase this person ever reads my blog. But someone close to me for a long time has put me down for my intelligence. I've been told I'm too wordy, or trying to intellectualize situations as a negative means of coping. I never understood why my whole life from my years in the public school system to friends and family that im trying to hard to be 'smart' and that means im being white. It hurts when our own black people tell us that being intelligent or speaking logically without being overcome by emotion is being 'white' and that speaking ebonics and broken english makes me fit in the peg with my people. I have years of pain in my heart at being rejected by people and groups because I dont know who I am because of the ridicule I've faced. I have 3 personalities- my stage persona, my family persona, and who I truly am with someone I'm comfortable with. I'm 27 and I have not been comfortable in my own skin since the day I turned 18. God knows since weed is legal if I wasn't on prescription meds I'd be smoking and enjoying life. Meds mean no drinking either, so I've been smoking cigarettes like a freaking fiend just to have a vice to hold on to my sanity. I refuse to tell my family or the doctors that the meds haven't done anything but exacerbate my issues. I'm suicidal all the time, my depression is through the roof and so is my anxiety for every day living, I'm extremely talkative and my emotions are a mess during my cycle. If I told anyone close to me I fear I'd be sent into another institution. I've been sent 66 times since turning 18. My life is not my own and I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells... I cant control my empathy anymore and I just feel like I falling into a pit of despair unless in pretending that I'm fine to get along with my family.... sigh. Rant over.

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